Normalising little acts of violence

In my high school classrooms, I like to pull my students out of their safe space to teach them how to adequately think about and engage with controversial topics. Usually, it starts with a commonly experienced feelings like bias, prejudice, discrimination and then moves on to an idea – or an ideal, you could say – that invariably divides my class across predictable gender lines: feminism. We talk about what the word means and how it is open to interpretation (and manipulation) depending on the politics you follow. While most boys will question the ongoing need for feminism in a Western society such as Italy, it is also not unusual to find a couple of brave boys who proudly declare themselves to be feminists.

We explore the idea in detail and learn to argue with opinion sharing, asking for details and practising active and attentive listening. I give my students a list of statements concerning the topic and divide my classroom into two sections where those who “agree” with the statement stand on one side, and those who “disagree” occupy the other part. Then they debate each other and must provide fact based examples or reasoning to persuade the other side. Students are allowed to “meet in the middle” or change sides over the duration of the lesson. What we have found, discussion after discussion, is that the topic of feminism, gender-based violence and women rights cannot be explored without taking a deep dive into the thickly layered abstraction of masculinity and what it means to be a man in most societies.

I come from a part of the world (Pakistan) where rights activists and concerned citizens speak a lot about gender and class violence. In my country, there are many factors at play: a conservative, patriarchal society steeped in inequalities, impunity, lawlessness and a very low priority of human rights. In that world one can clearly see unfairness and injustice.

But following the news stories of femicide and violence against women in Italy has been an alarming reality. The rate of this crime may be lower than in many parts of the world, but the pattern of its occurrence remains the same. It is no coincidence that even in Italy, the most dangerous place for a woman is her home. And the most dangerous person to her life is a man that she has known. In fact, Statista’s data on femicides in Italy presents this clearly: in 2023, 41% of the murdered women were killed by a current partner, 13% by an ex partner and 26% by a relative.

To understand violence against women and to work to combat it, it is essential to first understand why it happens. Some of the roots lie in the traditional idea of masculinity that rests on the pillars of dominance, control, and economic power. Over years and across societies, we have normalized abusive behaviour that stems out of bruised egos, lack of emotional management, arrogance and powerful assertion. Girls learn early on that walking on egg shells around their easily angered male partner will keep the peace at home. They learn to take permission for decisions regarding their own lives, for sacrificing their own preferences, and live like a shadow around micro aggressions that build up over time to solidify the power dynamics in a relationship. Such behaviours are seemingly innocuous examples of emotional and psychological violence. And therefore, they become easily normalized and accepted in families. Sometimes, however, this lays the foundations for the more harmful sexual and physical violence to take root and strike surprisingly. Drops in the ocean gather and may eventually call forth a storm. The problem then is how to get our boys and girls out of this circular thinking that perpetuates over generations.

As for all things, the loudest conversation that we should be having is in schools and over dinner in our homes. This conversation needs to be about consent. We use this word usually only for sexual relations, but the idea of consent in the simplest matters of life between two partners must be seen as a necessary condition to a thriving relationship and social values. It is consent that gives birth to respect and equality and consent that normalizes patience, emotional management, regard and love. It is not easy to teach girls to speak up and speak out and believe that their voice matters. For girls to find their voice, their fathers, brothers, partners and sons will need to be allies and advocates for gender justice.

To end violence against women, we must go beyond punishment and look toward prevention. This can be done only by reshaping the ideas that define manhood and womanhood. When boys grow into men knowing that respect is strength, and when girls grow up believing that equality is their right, we create a culture based on consent where violence has no place.