VICINA E LONTANA - A GOOD MIX KEEPS US TOGETHER

Every mixed family is mixed in its own way. I am a Muslim woman from the megacity of Karachi in Pakistan, married to an Italian man from Monza, and this is where we live and bring up our nine-year-old son.

I arrived in Italy more than a decade ago and, to my surprise, in no time I had found myself a group of international people in my area. They were mostly expats on short term contracts and foreign women married to Italian men. They were, also, mostly European and American. Pre-motherhood conversations focused on my progress in learning Italian and post-motherhood turned into “what language do you speak to your child in?”

What language(s) to speak at home, which school (international, bilingual, state) to send the kids to, which rituals to turn into family traditions and what kind of meal to put on the table every night – here begins the unique journey that every mixed, multicultural, multilingual family chooses to embark on, in its own way. It calls upon a deep self-questioning of ones own identity and how the equilibrium is set between partners at home.People do what works best for them, sometimes given very limited choices. A Muslim Turkish friend had her daughter attend Religion classes at school because she didn’t want her to feel more isolated being the only one opting out of the class. A German friend, married to an Italian, raised two kids without teaching them any German. It worked like a charm for their socialisation, but it broke the thread that tied them to her family back at home. A British friend tried to keep her mother tongue and her husband’s Italian both alive in her bilingual household but as the children grew, all answers to her questions asked in English were provided only in Italian until Italian became the only language spoken in family. An American-Italian family also worked through two languages at home, and additionally sent their children to an international school. The kids ended up going for college education to the United States while their childhood friends are Italian Monzese.

In many mixed households, Italian language, culture and customs are more vigorously followed especially where children attend the Italian school system andhave mostly Italian friends. For others, cultural identity is a strong marker and it is understood that the family has not one but multiple identities. Language, as a manifestation of this identity, is a nuance that can be picked up later, but religion and family traditions can be a tricky line to draw in a home. This is especially true if both partners are staunch believers of different religions. On the other hand, if neither is too attached to any one belief, the diversity only adds more flavour to the palate and there are more festivals to celebrate.

We do Christmas and Easter with the family and welcome Muslim, Jewish, Catholic, Protestant and non-believing friends around our Eid table. Our goal is to make rituals vibrant, inclusive events designed to connect our son to his own rich heritage and to the diversity of the world he lives in. It all looks good for now, but I still have to go into work on Eid even though it is a holiday celebrated by about 2 billion people in the world.

As increased migration changes the demography of Italy, its cultural landscape can only move in one direction – towards greater diversity and inclusion. Multiracial, multi-religious families are emblematic of the future. Undoubtedly, children that grow up in diversity, bring into our world greater empathy, understanding and unity.

But, you don’t need to be a mixed family to bring up children with a greater sense of diversity and inclusion. You just need to be aware of other people living in this world as well. I was brought up in a perfectly bilingual environment, by a single language, single culture family in an almost single religion country. We studied and thought in English, fought and read poetry in Urdu and my father and I became journalists writing in both languages.

So, which language did I choose to speak with my child, living here in Monza, Italy? English.

My Italian husband and I chose English to be our family language, our minority language that we keep alive in our house while Italian remains our “outside”, social language.