An insight into pride/shame

To talk about pride and shame, we chose not to define these two emotions, but to follow them through a story told from three different perspectives. Pride and shame, as well as embarrassment and tenderness, are not inherently positive or negative emotions; rather, they intertwine and connect with the ways we look at ourselves and at other people. Here, you will find a scene that could take place at school, along with the voices of the three characters experiencing it: Ash, Carlo, and Samira. How do you feel as you read this story? How would you imagine the voices of these characters?

The last ten minutes of PE class. The volleyball game is over, and the teacher has given the class ten free minutes before the bell rings. Ash is sitting on the tall blue mats, watching the rest of the class. Carlo is with his group of friends on the other side of the gym; they are looking at a phone and laughing. Samira, not far away, is rereading her notes for the upcoming science oral exam. Every now and then, she glances at Carlo, her boyfriend: she likes him, even though sometimes he acts like a bit of an idiot.

Suddenly, Carlo runs over to Ash and pours half the water from his bottle over him. Ash jolts, gets to his feet, grabs the bottle from Carlo’s hand, and splashes him on his trousers and T-shirt. Now they are standing face to face, and Carlo challenges him: “If you change in front of everyone, I’ll change in front of everyone too.” Then he calls Ash by the female name that no one has called him by since the beginning of the school year.

The whole class watches them in silence. Then Samira walks over to Ash and offers to go with him to the changing rooms. But no one moves.

Ash’s voice
I’m sure Carlo did it on purpose. He’s an asshole and he’s been getting on my nerves since the beginning of the school year. He wants to show off in front of everyone; that’s why he used my deadname. He knows he’s not supposed to do that. I told everyone at the beginning of the year that I want to be called Ash. I don’t want to take my clothes off in front of everyone. Not now and not here… I don’t want them to see what’s under my T-shirt. I’m the one who gets to decide if and when I take it off. And what does Samira want? It’s true, she’s the only person I sometimes talk to about the class, but I don’t know whether she does it because she has to or because she actually likes me. And then I hate being in the girls’ changing room.

Carlo’s voice
Ash shouldn’t have been looking at Samira. I saw him staring at her. He needs to leave her alone. Samira is my girlfriend, and everyone knows it. I didn’t think he’d react like that. But then he jumped to his feet. He looked like a rabid dog. I want to see if he takes his clothes off, but I don’t want to take mine off. Today I’m wearing the white underwear my mum bought me. They’re way too childish. But why does Ash always dress like a boy?

Samira’s voice
Sometimes I wish Ash were less proud. He always keeps to himself. It’s true that we’ve talked a few times—for example, I found out that he likes anime, just like me. But we always talk when we’re alone, never when the others are around. Maybe later I could try talking to Carlo. Tell him he needs to be a little less of an asshole. Although… I kind of like it when he acts like an asshole. I wish I didn’t, but he’s kind of hot when he does. I’m not sure I did the right thing by offering to go with Ash to get changed. Carlo will definitely blow up afterwards. But I just wanted to help Ash, to do something to help. And why is nobody doing anything now?